A Meal that Will Make You Lose Your Appetite for 7 10 Days

eed to lose weight, fast? Here's something that may help; a recipe that made me lose my appetite for about a week. At the end of a long day I find myself wandering aimlessly around the grocery store when I get a great idea. I needed to use up the defrosted Hatch green chile in the fridge. In my delirium, I went through the convenience noodle aisle and said, Yum! spicy Hamburger Helper, Cheesy Macaroni with Green Chilei!

To call myself a vegetarian, would make me a big, fat liar. Let's just say I go for long stretches of time without eating meat, once it lasted five years. I am not a vegetarian, but five days often pass without me eating any meat. My on and off vegetarianism began about 20 years ago, when I was 14.

Some people can't bear the thought of life without meat. Others go vegetarian and can never imagine eating meat again. If it happens accidentally, they will attest to the fact that it makes them physically ill. What's my problem? I'm not sure.

I still buy into the vegetarian ideology, but there are several of reasons that I gave up on strict adherence. One reason was poverty. I found that I could save precious pennies if I didn't turn my nose up at free food that may contain meat or meat products. Such free food was available in kitchens of restaurants that I waited tables in, on the table at mom or grandma's house, and at various social functions.

When traveling for work or pleasure, I've found that beyond French fries or a sad, pale iceberg-lettuce salad, the available restaurants near my hotel don't offer many nutritional vegetarian options. The last problem I had with being a strict vegetarian is that I didn't have that much time to put into nutritional considerations. My skin, hair, and nails seemed to all improve when I incorporated a bit of meat back into my diet.

Beyond any of the other reasons to not eat meat such as the environment, ethical treatment of animals, or health benefits, I just don't want to eat it because there are so many things about it that I think are disgusting. Even though I do it sometimes, I have accumulated too much vegetarian propaganda in my mind to ever feel good about eating meat. My grandfather was employed by Swift for umpteen years, but I've never stepped foot in a slaughterhouse. I have read Upton Sinclair's, 'the Jungle.' A visit to a slaughterhouse would probably permanently render me a pompous, holier than thou vegetarian.

I'll eat a free, meat-laden meal, and avoid thinking about it. I'll avoid the thought of the hundreds of different cows ground together to make my hamburger and of all the things that might be contaminated in the process.

Sometimes, when my body gets down to whatever nutrients I may be lacking from my primarily vegetarian diet, maybe when I should look to an organic filet of grass-fed/free-range something or another, instead I look to Church's friend chicken. A few bites later and my craving has often been cured for another month.

If I'm eating meat, 97% of the time, it means that somebody else has cooked it. It doesn't matter if it is my mom, a three star chef, or a pimply 16-year old drop-out at Churches, anybody else must cook it but me. I don't like it's slimy, cold, greasy feel. It never smells right, so I'm always certain it's at least slightly rancid.

That's not to say that I am not a good cook most of the time and even with a rare inspiration to cook meat. I must have been high on sleep deprivation and jet fuel when I thought this one up.

The other night when the Hamburger Helper caught my eye, I must have been working up the slight protein deficiency that makes me want to eat meat one in a while. I thought hamburger helper, cheeseburger macaroni, substitute ground turkey (to make it slightly less unhealthy), and for some heat: New Mexico Hatch Green Chile.

This meal went wrong in so many ways.

I was worried the Hatch Green Chile in my fridge had been around too long. I've heard it is possible to get food poisoning from New Mexican green chile past it's prime. With the same batch I'd made some perfect, restaurant-style chile rellenos and breakfast burritos. I wanted to make another batch of chile rellenos, but the chiles just fell apart when I tried to stuff then with cheese. They may have been harboring salmonella, but I chopped them up and threw them into my goulash.

I had to handle and cook the ground turkey myself, which might have psyched me out from enjoying this meal at all.

Once I get a whiff of raw poultry, I can never tell if it smells right.... Hamburger Helper, slightly rancid green chile.. Who knows what ground turkey is supposed to really look like?

What other culinary genius would throw a box of Hamburger Helper into the shopping cart in the first place?

If I had read the box while still in the grocery story, I would have noticed that it required 1 ? cups of MILK. I almost never have meat in the house. Milk? From a Cow? Are you kidding me!? I'm not afraid to say that I love to eat cheese and vegans, but when it comes to milk straight up, I am somewhat lactose intolerant.

If you aren't ready to throw up yet, throw some 'Silk' vitamin-enhanced soy milk, in with the rancid Hatch New Mexican Green Chile, ground whole turkey with feathers, and Hamburger Helper.

As my concoction congealed into the pan, I wondered, Is it just me or does this smell as gross as it looks?

Taking a few bites, I tried to give it a chance. I swear I could taste crushed up bone particles in the turkey.

I tested it out on the dog to see if she thought it was edible. She didn't have a problem with it, but rather than possibly disrupt her gastro-intestinal balance, I opted to throw the whole pan in the trash. After she didn't keel over, I determined that I would probably make it for at least another week.

In the following week, I did lose ten pounds. I don't know if I can attribute my weight loss to hypochondria and meat-eating related paranoia or to food-born illness. If you need to drop a dress size fast, you know what to do.

Until the next time I get really hungry and confused..


By Summer Day Escobar-Finklestein